Before I conceived my first child, I had a picture of how my family might look. You imagine the sweet baby, the chubby toddler and calm family meals where everyone laughs. Don’t get me wrong – I fiercely adore being a mum to my four boys, but the reality is different, (and much, much noisier) to the preconceived notions I initially had.

From the moment we conceive a baby the expectations or ideas about how that might look and who they might be are in our heads and hearts.

 I vividly remember planning my family. I was going to have a boy and a girl who were best friends. I’d pick them up from school and make their afternoon tea from scratch, before talking about their day together, calming, without talking over the top of each other.

You can imagine my shock when I had two boys close together. One screamed relentlessly for 24 months, sick with allergies and reflux, and my toddler would run away from me, push kids off the top of the slide at the park and then bite anyone – even my clo...

When I had my first son 11 years ago I got a lot of advice from family, friends, professionals and even the lady at the post office about what to prepare for. 

There was advice about not buying a corduroy couch because the babies spit up would get stuck in the grooves (for the record this was good advice and I wish I had listened), advice about what pram to buy, and also lot’s of advice about the need to sleep.

 Before the baby……..

“Sleep now while you can because you will never, ever sleep again” many an experienced mum would chuckle.

After I had the baby……

“sleep when the baby sleeps, it’s the only way to survive ”.

Good advice, in theory. But the effect it had on me was that the minute my baby was asleep – and I wasn’t, I would worry. After all, this was what I needed to do to be a ‘good mum’. Sleep when he sleeps!

Fast forward to today, and I have survived the lack of sleep of four children (both theirs and mine) and am very lucky to work as an Obstetric Social Worker with ...

The fourth trimester – how to survive the first 12 weeks with a new baby

Working in a busy private hospital I get the pleasure of working with many new parents who are adjusting to the first few days of parenthood.

The experience is very different for everyone.

There are ups and downs, there is joy and there is pain. There can be trauma and healing, and a brand new set of worries to manage around “getting it right”.

It is good to know is that it’s normal if the post birth experience is a mixed one. The main thing is to ask for help and know that the intensity of the first few weeks and months does settle.

In the meantime, here are my top six tips for surviving the first twelve weeks.

 ………

One - Surrender to the fourth trimester

Your baby is here, but they would much rather be in the womb.

Everything you experience in the first few weeks is much more about your baby managing the sensory stimulation (sight, touch, sound) of the world than a reflection of your ability as a m...

I’ve yet to meet a parent who doesn’t occasionally lose it with their kids.

You’re stretched to your limit, stressed, pushed too far and snap. 

It usually happens when something our kids do triggers something in our past, and we operate from a sense of fear instead of love.

You yell. You say things you don’t mean. You send your kid away from you.

And then you feel terrible.

The good news is our kids don’t need perfect parents. In fact, evidence shows it’s important for our children to observe their primary caregiver learning from our mistakes.

When we muck it up it’s an opportunity to demonstrate the ability to say “sorry, I got that wrong.... can we start again?”

What to do when you feel guilty about losing it with your child.  

 1. Calm yourself

Take a minute to breathe. This is a good opportunity for what I call a “parental time out”. It’s important we tell our kids that it is us and not them in the time out.

This models the ability to take a minute to regulate before reac...

Many parents, including me, don’t want to put their kids in a situation where they might be hurt.  

Yet the goal of getting your newborn to adulthood isn’t just for them to survive, it’s for them to thrive. 

Part of this is helping your child handle risk confidently.

This is why you need to let your children fall.  

This doesn’t come easily for me. I’ve had to work hard on it.

I’ll never forget a time when my brother’s kids were standing on a wall that looked terrifyingly high. My brother noticed I was worried and said:

 “When I feel nervous I ask myself, could this kill them? If it can’t kill them I let them take the risk. If they hurt themselves they have also learnt a lesson and probably won’t do it again.”....

My brother was onto something because research from Dr Peter Gray, an evolutionary biologist, who has studied play deeply shows that when allowed to play freely without adult supervision children instinctively take themselves to the edge of their own fear and become a ...