Why Separation Is So Hard for Deep Feeling Kids
One of my four boys found saying goodbye at the school gate really tricky. It was strange because I would hear from his teacher that he settled in immediately and had a fantastic day, but the lead-up to the school gate and the goodbye was always hard. Once we got into the playground, even though his friends were right there, he would not leave my side, stuck like Velcro to my leg.
I would try to encourage him to move off me. “There’s your mate Raph,” I would say. “Oh, he’s having the best time playing handball, don’t you want to join in?” But my son would remain firmly attached to my leg.
If you’ve ever tried to leave the house, go to the bathroom, or even just move to another room without a little shadow following you, you know exactly what I’m talking about. And that’s before we’ve even attempted preschool, school drop-off or a smooth bedtime.
Some kids, especially those who feel things deeply, seem physically glued to you. And while a certain amount of clinginess is normal in childhood, for these kids, separation can feel like an extreme sport.
What’s a DFK?
If you have a DFK (Deep Feeling Kid), you know it. These are kids whose nervous systems are built more sensitively. They are almost thinner-skinned, more sensitive to noise, clothing, transitions, social situations, and change. They are the kids who feel everything bigger, both the highs and the lows.
DFKs often set the family’s barometer for what kind of a day it is likely to be. They are the child that sets the tone on a family outing, the one that can determine whether you are having a good week or not, and the one that makes you question your parenting.
Sometimes these kids come out of the womb almost like they expected something different, and they are harder to settle from the beginning. And yet, they are also the kindest, funniest, most creative, and awesome humans.
Sometimes kids are deeper feeling because they had a rough start to life. Kids who experienced medical trauma or were unwell or in pain can often approach the world with caution, and that heightened awareness can make them more sensitive and more volatile.
Depending on the research you look to, DFKs or highly sensitive people make up about 30% of the population. While many kids who are neurodivergent will fall into the DFK category, not all deep feeling kids will have a diagnosis.
Here’s the amazing bit: these kids are not just more impacted by hard experiences, they are also more positively impacted by nurturing environments. This is why they can respond so well to intervention and help when it is focused on connection and safety. Sometimes, with the smallest efforts towards making their worlds feel more predictable, these little humans really shine. I truly believe these kids grow up to be the creatives, the leaders, and the change makers that help our world.
Why Separation Feels Harder for Some Kids
Deeply feeling kids are highly sensitive. This means they feel everything deeper, bigger and more. They read emotional cues others miss and, as a result, the world can be an exhausting place. Sitting still all day in class can be almost impossible. They can get in trouble more often and feel more emotional about the ups and downs of socialising.
This is where attachment comes in. While all kids need attachment to survive, these kids need it in a way that can feel really intense and overwhelming because the demands of the world on their systems are so much greater.
Being close to a parent or carer is like having a safe anchor when everything else feels a bit too much. Their parents or primary caregivers are like home base, the place where they can let it all out.
As a result, both separation and reconnection can be tricky. Separations can be long and emotional, and afternoon reunions can be filled with after-school meltdowns as kids recalibrate.
What It Can Look Like
Clinginess does not always look like crying at kindy drop-off. It can be:
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Following you from room to room at home
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Repeatedly calling your name even if you have only been gone 30 seconds
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Interrupting constantly, even if you have explained you are on the phone
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Needing to touch you or be in your space almost all the time
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Refusing to go into a classroom or join an activity without you right there
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Separation struggles
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Bedtime battles
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Defiance, sibling struggles and behaviour that feels tricky
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Dysregulation at bedtime that feels silly or wild
These are not bad habits. They are signs your child is working hard to feel safe.
When you cannot finish a conversation or take a shower without being interrupted, it is exhausting. Tricky bedtimes and drop-offs can take an emotional toll on everyone. Siblings may start to feel they get less of your attention. And for your child, avoiding separation means fewer opportunities to practise being away from you, which can make independence even harder down the track.
Why the Answer Is Not to Push Them Away
It can be tempting to think the fix is to toughen them up or force more separations so they will get used to it. If they are already feeling unsafe, pushing them to separate without support can increase anxiety and make them cling harder next time.
We can also be tempted to push their feelings down by trying to be positive. Our child says, “I do not want to go to school, I do not want to say goodbye to you,” and we say, “But you love it at school!” or “You need to go to school, it is the law!” While these comments are well-meaning, they often make our child feel unheard, which can make separation even harder. The more we force, the less safe they feel.
Instead, we start where they are. Connection comes first. When a child feels truly safe and understood, they are more willing to take small steps away from us.
Building Independence
Here is what can help:
Predictable moments of connection
Mini moments that fill that cup are one of the biggest things we can offer. Connection is the love language of all kids and when they are struggling it is the only place to start. Ten minutes of focused one-on-one time can make a real difference to these kids. It fills that emotional cup, and especially when we focus on connection right before separation, kids can often find that the separation is more doable.
Name it (in advance)
When your child struggles to separate from you it can be tempting to avoid the topic, hoping tomorrow will be better. It is more helpful to prepare in advance. The day before, talk about the separation. Use visuals wherever possible or social stories so they know exactly what will happen, how long you will be gone, and when you will be back.
This allows you to unpack some of the feelings in advance and lets your child know that missing you makes sense. Think of the way an Olympic diver would prepare for an Olympic dive. They don’t just practise that physical dive over and over. They prepare mentally for the nerves that might come up, the way the crowd might make them feel, and the strategies they might put in place when those feelings come up so they are able to do their dive on the day of their event.
It’s the same for our kids. When we can talk about what is happening and show them pictures or social stories, they get the chance to practise feeling the emotions they find so hard around separation outside of the moment. This helps their mind and body prepare, and allows us to workshop supports we can put in place to help them.
Put supports in place
Once you have acknowledged that separation is hard, ask your child what might make it easier. Often the best solutions come from them. If they are unsure, suggest ideas that could help them feel safer or more connected.
Many kids love the idea of a connection ritual. This might be a special handshake that you practise over and over and then do when you say goodbye at childcare or school, or at bedtime. For other kids, they can feel really supported by a safe object in their backpack. One of my sons used to take a little LEGO minifigure to school and he would check on it in his bag throughout the day. A little reminder of his safe place at home that kept him going when he was missing me.
Stretch kids gently
The problem with worry or anxiety in any form is that if we completely give in to it, it can validate that fear. Kids can think, “Well, I was worried about saying goodbye to Mum at the gate and now she’s changing her mind and staying with me, so maybe I do have every reason to be worried because she looks worried too.”
It’s really important that we validate the experience for our kids without joining them in the fearful place. The way we do this is by acknowledging that it’s scary, but still stretching them anyway because we know they are capable of being brave.
For little kids, start with small, safe separations. Begin with “I am going to the laundry, I will be back in two minutes,” and build from there. For a child nervous to start childcare or preschool, practise short days at first. When bedtime is a struggle, we don’t have to just shut the door and walk out. We can start where our child is at and slowly build towards separation as they feel safer.
Confident Momentum
When it comes time to separate, whether that is a quick trip to the toilet, a night out leaving them with grandma, or a goodbye at the school gate, confident momentum is everything. You have already prepared them and have connection tools in place. What they need now is your belief in them.
You might say, “I know it is hard when Mummy goes to the toilet, but I will be right back and I cannot wait to see you when I am done with my wee.” Or for an older child, “I know going to school today feels tough, but I also know you have got this because I have seen you do hard things before. I cannot wait to pick you up at 3.00 pm. I will be right by the tree where we always meet.”
One night, while thinking about how to encourage my son to explore the playground with more confidence, it suddenly hit me. Every time I pushed him harder to move off me, I was almost telling him it wasn’t OK to be nervous. I realised that one of the best things we could do when someone is struggling to move away from us is to let them know that their emotion is OK.
So the next day, we walked into the playground and I pulled my son close. I said, “Hey, I know it’s hard to separate, and I get it. Being at school is new for you and I bet lots of kids feel a bit nervous, so if you want to sit with me until the bell goes, I would absolutely love that. I love when you and I get time together.”
I remember it feeling like less than three seconds before my son was gone. Just like that, he was off.
It can be so tempting to think we need to teach our kids to be independent, yet it truly is dependence that leads to independence and letting my son how he was ok to be exactly as he was that day was all the confidence he needed to move off into his world.
