When Parenting Trends Go Viral — What Kids Actually Need

Every few months a new parenting label goes viral online. This time it’s “FAFO parenting,” letting kids “F*ck Around and Find Out” the consequences of their behaviour. Like most parenting trends, it says more about how overwhelmed parents are feeling than it does about what children actually need.

To be honest, at first I thought it was just another buzzword of the week, like one I heard the other day about “dolphin parenting,” and I rolled my eyes. There always seems to be another label or trend in parenting, and often these terms end up polarising parents and pitting us against each other: “You’re a helicopter parent, and I’m a free-range parent so we don’t agree”.

I’m not into labels in parenting because who we are as people and parents is far more complicated than anything that can be summarised and popped into a neat box. The reality is our parenting style is shaped by our upbringing, how our own parents responded to our feelings, how we’ve made sense of that growing up, the temperament of our children, and the environment we are raising them in.

Why FAFO parenting is resonating

But I do understand why this FAFO idea is gaining traction.

Parents are tired. In fact, tired is an understatement. They are overwhelmed and exhausted. Modern parenting asks an enormous amount of us emotionally, mentally and physically. We are trying to raise kind, regulated, respectful children while also managing work, school, sport, friendships, technology and our own nervous systems. Many parents are trying so hard to do gentle parenting “right” that they feel like they can’t say no, can’t follow through, and can’t take charge when things go off track. That version of parenting is exhausting and unsustainable, and when parents reach that point it makes sense that some start looking for something that feels simpler or firmer.

You could be mistaken for thinking FAFO parenting is simply letting kids experience natural consequences, but a quick look at the examples being shared online shows it goes far beyond that. Some examples include throwing a child into a pond for spraying his mum with a water gun, or telling a child “keep hitting your sister and I’ll hit you.” In one case, when an eight year old kept having toileting accidents, his mum assumed he was ignoring the urge to go when he was busy playing, so she made him spend his own pocket money on new underwear. It later turned out to be a medical issue. She apologised to her son but did not return the money because he had tried to hide what was happening.

These examples are not tough love. They are simply unkind.

The parenting style research supports

Modern parents are burning out under the weight of endless advice about what to do and what not to do, and it’s not sustainable. But swinging back to harsh, cruel or unrelated consequences is not the answer either.

The parenting style research has pointed to for decades is authoritative parenting. Not authoritarian parenting, which is all firm but no kind, and not permissive parenting, which is all kind and no firm. Authoritative parenting is warm, connected and confidently in charge. Children need emotional safety, and they also need leadership. Those two things are not in conflict. They actually depend on each other.

Decades of developmental research, neuroscience and longitudinal studies show that authoritative parenting leads to stronger emotional regulation, empathy, resilience, academic outcomes and self esteem. So…. Pretty much everything we want for our kids! Secure attachment sits at the centre of this. Children who have a secure attachment with at least one adult consistently do better across almost every measure of wellbeing and development.

A Secure attachment doesn’t mean no limits

One of the biggest misunderstandings in modern parenting is the idea that connection alone will solve behaviour. That if we upset our kids or say no to them we will ruin the attachment.

Connection is powerful, but kids need boundaries. When a child cannot stop themselves from hitting a sibling, grabbing a biscuit after you have said no, or splashing water out of the bath after you have set a limit, they need your help to stop.

This is where confusion around gentle parenting has crept in. Many parents think asking nicely should be enough. But when children are dysregulated they have lost control in the moment. They are overwhelmed by big feelings and do not yet have the skills to manage them. That is when we step in and physically stop the behaviour. This is not harsh, and it is not punishment. It is actually incredibly loving. It says to your child “I know you don’t want to be hitting / hurting / damaging things so I am going to help you here”.

Natural consequences vs punishment

Natural and related consequences are also an important part of learning.

Related consequences must be connected to the issue. If a child is hitting with a stick, we remove the stick. If they refuse to turn off the television, we help them turn it off. We can’t take away our kids favourite TV show because they were hitting. It simply won’t work developmentally and it feels unfair to kids which inhibits learning.

A natural consequence might be refusing to wear a jacket and feeling cold, staying up too late and feeling tired the next day, or forgetting a hat and missing play time with friends.

I remember once walking with my son, who was about ten at the time, to the post office. I told him to put shoes on. He insisted he did not need them. I warned him he might stub his toe. He insisted he would not. Of course, he stubbed his toe. It took everything in me not to say “I told you so.” But that takes away from the lesson. Instead, I showed empathy and knew he had just experienced a natural consequence that would help him learn.

The difference between a natural or related consequence and punishment is the absence of cruelty. Natural consequences come from a place of love and belief in our child’s capacity to learn. It is never helpful to treat children in ways we would never treat another adult, and decades of research show that harshness, humiliation and rejection can leave lasting emotional scars. We know better now.

The quiet moments where learning actually happens

Discipline is not about making children pay for mistakes. It is about teaching skills while protecting connection. When children feel safe, seen and supported, they are far more able to reflect, problem solve and try again next time.

Authoritative parenting is not about being soft or hard. It is about being steady. It is about holding clear boundaries while staying emotionally connected. It is about being the calm adult in the room, even when children are having big feelings or making poor choices. Kids do not need us to be perfect, but they do need us to be kind, predictable and when necessary, at the wheel.

In most families, learning does not happen through dramatic moments or viral parenting trends. It happens in small, ordinary moments that are loud, imperfect and messy. A parent removing the stick. Turning off the television. Sitting beside a disappointed child who stubbed their toe without saying “I told you so.”